I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
