Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
