I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
