At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
