I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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