I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Bring me that man meat
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
