Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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