Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
