I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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