I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
