yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
