What did we do last night that was yellow?
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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