OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
