Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
