I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
