what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
