I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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