I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
