I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Randomize
