sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
