watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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