I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
