I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
