Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
