How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
