I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
