I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I smell like Dick and happiness
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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