Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
