Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
She bit a glass in half.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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