He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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