I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
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I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
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you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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