My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
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