i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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