He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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