you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.