I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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