i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
