It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
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Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
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I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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