His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Dicks are not precious.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
