I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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