I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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