I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
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