no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Randomize
