She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
