just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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