i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
