You smell like a Billy Joel song
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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