I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
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