so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
