take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
