i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
