You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
