I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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