i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
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We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
we should paint friendship bongs
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