I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
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Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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