dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
This gyro tastes like lonliness
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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