im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
