I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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