btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Only a mothe r could love this liver
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Randomize
