so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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