Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
