He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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