i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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