just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
