hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
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